Turns out, 8^th graders know everything—especially those living in the many-splendored neighborhoods of Brooklyn. Their words are so concise, so crystal-clear, so cut-to-the-bone, that it makes one wonder why they spent all that money on a fancy college education.

Rather than hoard this wealth of knowledge, I have invited 82 guest columnists to contribute nuggets of wisdom to the public at large. Each week, a certified and licensed 8^th grader will impart words of advice on topics such as relationships, chemical dependency, and existential crises.

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Words from Rahmel:

“I am 10% black, 50 % ninja, 30% never give up, but actually, it’s 99% never give up.”

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Rahmel’s math may be a little off, but his words are 189% AWESOME!!!

As winter drags on (thanks, asshole groundhog) sometimes we feel like just plain “giving up.” It seems like every day it’s harder to get out of bed and go to work in the rain, the snow, and the punishing wind. In addition, the sun has been hibernating for the better part of four months, which means we haven’t been getting enough Vitamin S.

But we can’t give up! For at the end of the cold and gloom is the deliverance of precious UV rays and the freedom of unbound flesh. Soon we will be able to mount our bicycles, hop on our skateboards, and god forbid, strap on our rollerblades, and the clouds will rue the day they ever came to town!

Inside of us all is a black ninja who never gives up. All you have to do is reach inside and embrace him or her.

Thanks, Rahmel

PS – Yes, black ninja is a thinly veiled reference to Tracy Morgan’s fictional 30 Rock film, Who Dat Ninja? Be sure to go see Cop Out, in theaters today!