Turns out, 8^th graders know everything—especially those living in the many-splendored neighborhoods of Brooklyn. Their advice is so concise, so crystal-clear, so cut-to-the-bone, that it makes one wonder why they spent all that money on a fancy college education.

Rather than hoard this wealth of knowledge, I have invited 82 guest columnists to contribute nuggets of wisdom to the public at large. Each week, a certified and licensed 8^th grader will impart words of advice on topics such as relationships, chemical dependency, and existential crises.

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Advice from Q:

“When 2012 comes, our world’s gonna turn into District 9, and everyone’s gonna be mutated. Dogs are gonna have three heads and huge muscles, and fish are gonna be as big as a bus, and sharks and whales are gonna be as large as central park.”

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What a startling post-apocalyptic vision! Nothing is scarier than dogs with HUGE muscles!

Over the last few days, the East Coast has experienced several crippling blizzards. Last month, Haiti was dealt a mammoth blow by a 7.0 magnitude earthquake. During the first decade of the aught’s, we lived through Hurricane Katrina, the Tsunami, and eight years of the Bush administration. Maybe Q is right… perhaps the world is coming to an end?

If Q is on point, what’s your plan for 2011? Are you going to live it up “Joe Versus the Volcano” style—maxing out credit cards, sailing to distant tropic islands and making out with Meg Ryan? Q personally told me he was going to eat nothing but Starbursts and Combos while playing Call of Duty during 2011. Me? Well, I’ve always wanted to see the aurora borealis.

I guess, even if the world doesn’t end in 2012 (and for some reason we don’t mutate into the aliens from District 9), I’d still like to see the aurora borealis. I’m also willing to bet good money that Q will eat a lot of Starbursts and Combos while playing Call of Duty regardless of the fate of humanity.

So maybe the point isn’t when the world is going to end, but in fact, that it shouldn’t really make a difference. I can only recall a few days that I would have been really satisfied with if the world started to cave in on itself later that night. Perhaps we should be worrying less about trivial issues and focusing more on creating those kinds of days, before we’re, um, like, dead.

So grab hold to the cliches: There’s no time like the present! We should all start living for today! Carpe Diem!

Thanks, Q.