Turns out, 8^th graders know everything—especially those living in the many-splendored neighborhoods of Brooklyn. Their advice is so concise, so crystal-clear, so cut-to-the-bone, that it makes one wonder why they spent all that money on a fancy college education.

Rather than hoard this wealth of knowledge, I have invited 82 guest columnists to contribute nuggets of wisdom to the public at large. Each week, a certified and licensed 8^th grader will impart words of advice on topics such as relationships, chemical dependency, and existential crises.

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Advice from Luiz:

“They wanted me to make me to take pills at my old school,

but I told them I was too niice* for that shit.”

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Isn’t this an issue we’ve all faced? A doctor or a peer trying to encourage us to down medication that we don’t need to survive? Does your doctor NEED to prescribe half a Propecia to slow the balding process? Do you NEED to wash down a Xanax with malt liquor to go out and have fun tonight? No. Not if you’re “too niice for that shit.”

Next time you open up the medicine cabinet, ready to self-prescribe, take a long, hard look in the mirror. Are you on the way to becoming the person you always wanted to be? Are you truly comfortable within your own flesh? Could a mountain lion beat a black bear in a fight? Does a little pill change any of this?

Maybe, instead, you should think about THIS.

Thanks, Luiz.

*Please note that “niice” with two i’s is a colloquial form of written vernacular popular amongst 8th graders. It is used widely in text messages, AIM chats, and myspace pages and can be found commonly within words such as “niice,” “liite,” “liike,” and “tiight.”