-One freak’s commentary on one song (or human) each week-

There are many longstanding mysteries on our vast planet: the Great Pyramids, Stone Henge, crop circles, the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. But during the last two years a new mystery has materialized that has scientists and sages scratching their collective skulls—the fame of one Lady Gaga.

Gaga stormed the world in the form of some sort of confusing, bisexual, costume-wearing, angel of shitty pop-music. We know this: she grew up in New York, began writing songs, dropped out of Tisch, recorded The Fame, and toured as an opening act for the short-lived New Kids on the Block reunion tour. Considering herself fashion-forward, she regularly appeared on stage in things resembling cardboard boxes, garbage bags, reams of fabric, and disco balls—often with her genitalia nearly hanging out. She gave wacky interviews and put her face at every event and in front of every camera that would have her. And just like that, like there was some perverted Dr. Frankenstein pop-stardom recipe, she became an overnight glam-pop icon.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for glam-pop, electro-pop, diva-pop, and sometimes even just plain shitty-pop. My itunes library and DJ sets are often fortified with intermittent Madonna, Beyonce, Annie, Peaches and Amy Winehouse tracks, but something about this woman just doesn’t make sense to me.

It starts simply enough with the fact that nearly all of the songs on The Fame and The Fame Monster sound nearly identical. I mean, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here—the beats are the same, the vocal cadences are the same, the synthesizer effects are the same, the backing vocals are the same. Same, same, same!

In addition, Lady Gaga is not cutting edge. Several young female artists have been delivering her same shtick, better, and for a longer time, but with far less success (Kylie Minogue, Peaches, Annie, Uffie, Ladyhawke, Little Boots, etc.). What unique quality makes her the cat’s pajamas of itunes downloads and leaves these other similar recording artists in the dust?

Perhaps we can settle with the comfort that Gaga falls in the realm of a Britney Spears, or a Pussycat Doll. Yet Lady Gaga seems to have become en vogue amongst those who would normally guffaw at the aforementioned acts. Not that it’s the greatest source, and not that a reader’s poll is any more credible, but check out her ranking under “Top Chart Pop” in Pitchfork’s year end survey. Waaaaaack.

Finally, there’s the gay alliance behind this woman. Wasn’t she talking about big dicks a while ago? Is that the image LGBT individuals want representing them? One that shrugs off “love” in favor of genital scale? This leaves me to question whether or not her “sexual freedom” or “rebellion” is more of a marketing ploy than a reality. I just get this creepy feeling she would do anything to sell a record.

After re-reading my arguments, I sound a little right wing. That wasn’t my intention at all. My intention is to try to understand Gaga, and to hope that the American public and the friends that I usually consider fairly discerning listeners see something that I have been unable to. I can stand back and understand the Britney Spears thing just as easily as I can understand the highest rated television shows or movies in this country—the American public can have some downright plebeian tastes. But something irks me about the fact that Lady G is receiving so much praise from such a large portion of people who I feel know better. Is this Gaga phenomenon one big inside joke? Is it all in fun? Or am I just a cynical bastard?

Seeing as it is a new year, and it is always best for one to keep an open mind, I am pandering for words in Gaga’s defense. That’r right. Your assignment, if you feel so motivated, is to write an argument of vindication for m’Lady in under one hundred words. Please, make me see the light. (Also feel free to whole-heartedly agree with me or add something I may have neglected to mention.)

Until then, I will share two songs that I consider Lady Gaga’s best work to date. I look forward to hearing from you.

Kid Cudi – Make Her Say (feat. Kanye West & Common)

Wale – Chillin’ (feat. Lady Gaga)

Awwwwww… diss!